“I am constantly aware of your absence.”
Holidays are tough.
I was up at my normal time today and I told myself to just enjoy some me time, but it’s hard because every room I walk into I see something that reminds me of them. It’s odd on the days they are here; I don’t notice the seven match box cars lined up in the living room window. The empty gatorade bottle in the living room, well, don’t get me wrong I notice that no matter what. The nerf gun bullets scattered about in random spots throughout the house. The hidden mouthwash in the bathtub, their running prank is to hide the mouthwash from each other. The placement of their blankets and Logan's puppy. And, to be honest with you, it’s not just holidays that are hard, it’s every day they are not with me on Stone Roller Road, their home. It’s 5:10 am on Thanksgiving and my sweatshirt has already been soaked with tears. I’m not writing this for sympathy, but to remind myself to be thankful I am fortunate to have two little men who are so loved and completely missable no matter which day it is. I write to remind my friends and family to take advantage of holidays/time with your children/family, but mostly to realize that although I miss out on time/holidays with them, I am a better mom and person than I’ve ever been. Also, as always to remind myself there are always people with bigger hurts for so many reasons.
Today I’m going to wipe the tears away, look through the holiday ads in the paper, sing, and prepare for Thanksgiving Day with some of the best people I know, individuals who I firmly believe were placed in my life for a reason. I am also going to remind myself that holidays are just another day to reflect on how fortunate I am.
Happy Thanksgiving to my family - we will get to spend time together soon. To my friends, especially the ones who live this same life I do, hugs to you! To the humans in my life who love and support me through all of this, thank you. And to my little men; if this is hard on me, I can’t begin to imagine how hard it is you. Logan loaded up on kisses and hugs upon departure and reminded his dogs of his return and that he loved them. Riley came to my office and received an additional parting hug, without any hesitation. Again, I must remind myself of how their hearts feel too.
I may be one of the only humans you know who is always thankful for Mondays, the day that no matter whose weekend it is they are always home.
Holidays are tough, but I am tougher.