The Tough 20 Minutes

"You were given this life, because you are strong enough to live it."

I seem to doubt this on Wednesdays and every other Friday, the days I drop off my two little men. There is nothing that haunts me more than the ten minute drive when I try to get everything in I want to say to them, get every look in of them that I can, hold Logan's hand (Riley is not much of a hand holder these days) and just relish in the time we had spent together prior to the car ride. My guts are a mess, I am choking on tears, but rather than show any of that or speak of that; I smile, I laugh, I do bite my tongue at times when they tell me things which worry me, but I encourage them and I send them both off with the biggest hugs, kisses on the forehead, "I love you," and a "have fun." Then, I watch them drive off and now to endure the opposite ten minute drive. The ten minutes of tears, the ten minutes of hoping that as their mom I went through all of the steps which make them feel safe and loved. The ten minutes of essentially not being able to breathe.

Then, on days like today, I arrive back on SRR without #theboysofSRR and I have to adjust to life without their voices, footsteps, laughter and personalities, which fill our home with more than any materialistic item.

And, I am sure those of you who see my posts, look at what I have are thinking, "but look, she has a beautiful home, property, thriving business, good job, etc." I know I have all of those things, and I promise I do not take them for granted, but my two little humans are what make this all worth it and make SRR and Scrappin' on the Ranch feel like "home."

I do have so much on my "to do" list and most days I would have checked off five items by now, but there are no "to do" lists on these days besides:

1. Wake them with a forehead kiss.

2. Make them a great breakfast.

3. Snuggle them.

4. Hug them.

5. Remind them of how much I love them.

When I put them to bed last night, Logan said, "Mom, Riley and I know how much you love us, we've known for a really long time."

Again, I have to remind myself on these days, "Jolene, you were given this life, because you are strong enough to live it." Because, no matter what, I have two little boys who depend on me to do just that, live this life and show them what it really means to be "loved unconditionally."

So, it is time to wipe the tears, make the actual "to do" list and continue to work hard for them; while my heart continues recover from the hardest 20 minutes of today.

"You were given this life, because you are strong enough to live it."