A tree fell down in the middle of Stone Roller Road on my way to announce 220 student names graduating from Winona Senior High School on Friday night. I fell in a hole while digging a hole and slightly sprained my ankle on Saturday on the ranch. On Sunday, I was headed back from Winona and the LeBaron decided to take a little snooze on 61 which resulted in needing to be towed home. A lot of people would have cried, yelled, screamed, blamed someone for any and/or all of the "unfortunate" events which happened to them; I did none of those, I "figured it out" I called my friends and I accepted help when I needed it and I moved on with my day/weekend.
This happened on a weekend "without" my boys. It's Sunday, I now can say I physically hurt because I miss them so much. All of the events that happened would have happened even if they were with me and my what some would call a "bad" weekend does not make me miss them more.....I miss them because missing is the reality of living in a split family home.
On Wednesday's Logan leaves me a picture/note on the whiteboard. I have him do it every Wednesday. Do you know why? I hate coming home when they are not here. I do not hate my house. I miss them. I miss hearing them, smelling them, hugging them, watching them; I miss everything about them. That Wednesday note helps. I look at it EVERY time I walk in the door, every time I walk through the kitchen, every time I come down the steps. I have a picture of my boys in almost every room, if not in every room I can see a picture from every place in our home. I take pictures. I take a lot of pictures. Pictures don't take the place of having them physically here, but they sure help me get through the days when they are not. And, their blankets and Logan's puppy. I fold them. I put puppy on top of his blanket. I won't lie sometimes when I walk by the puppy, the blankets, their rooms, the note/picture I talk to them. I say aloud, "Cripes, I miss you."
I wish I had the exact words to explain how I feel: incomplete, empty, sad....that's a start, but in the end I still do feel fortunate. I feel fortunate that they call me mom. I feel fortunate for our health. No matter what it can always be worse and I know that; I may only have them half of the time, but they have my whole heart and no amount of miles or time away will ever change that.
"Character not circumstance makes the person."
I'm busy working on my blog posts. Watch this space!